I hate myself when I'm like this. As someone who used to be generally seen as a stonyhearted freak, I am now a sobbing idiot. Everything just makes me sad. My pretty matching underwear or my perfume that I know Alex really likes or my Ugly Betty poster or just waking up, turning on my phone then remembering that there's no point. I haven't touched the London Irish flag that I left behind the sofa the other day, because the last time I picked it up I was still with Alex. I don't want it to be Saturday because that is kind of the final step, when he's not just down the road any more.

To be fair though, my state of mind yesterday was not greatly improved by my mum seeming to feel the need to punish me for being upset. She just had a go at me constantly all day and when I was really upset just made it worse. She kept saying that even though I was upset I should recognise there are other people besides myself and help her do loads of work, but then when I did help her she yelled at me for not packing. So I started packing and she came in to talk at me about how to get from my halls to the campus, and when I disagreed - politely - she said I was just discounting all her knowledge and helpfulness and basically said that I didn't love her and that I was a horrible person. I should probably point out that not only did she live in London in the 80s, when it was all a little different, but as she didn't actually live in the same bit as me, the only skill she is applying is map reading which I can do myself.
None of that really helped.

I turn into such a twat when I feel like this though. All I can think about is wanting to tell Alex that I love him and that it's all wrong and there must be something I can do that'll make everything all right. When we went to the rugby I had a really nice time with him (and fell asleep on him in the car) and it's so weird to think that some of the things he said only on Sunday he will never say again to me. I'll be 19 before I see him again, probably. The months went by so quickly when I didn't want them to, in the summer, that they're guaranteed to go as slowly as possible now that I'm looking forward to Christmas for once.

I really want us to be friends though. It's obviously awkward and horrible at the moment, but that'll go away. And we know each other so well and everything. As we're not going to be in each other's faces all the time, I think we might actually manage to be friends.

 This post is basically *copy and paste the first paragraph from the last post*.

I think I'm being unreasonable. But if having the 'student experience' comes at the cost of 1 boyfriend-who-I-love, then I don't want it. 
(the 'boyfriend-who-I-love' is a UK measurement, as the US equivalent is much larger and heavier.)

Oho. Get my satirical insert which attempts to cover up the true sentiment expressed. Aren't I postmodern.

Ugh. It's so unfair. (Lol, I only get to use that phrase for one more year! It can only be used by teenagers.)
I love the summer and I can't wait for exams to be over etc. etc. but what I really CAN wait for is uni. I mean, it's going to be amazing if I get in, and I really want to go, but it means breaking up with Alex for good and I absolutely hate that we have a time limit. The unfair bit is that I partially dread the end of school (everyone else can love it!) because then there will be no more stages before we have to break up, it'll just be the summer. And that is scary.
I really do try my hardest not to think 'it's so unfair, everyone else gets to keep their boyfriend' because I know it's an individual thing and that it would be a million times worse to stay in a relationship falsely with one person not being 100% in with the idea, blah blah blah. But it's so hard to just accept it. I almost feel like we're chickening out. It just feels like a waste. Part of me doesn't give a crap how hard it would be or how sensible it is to split up, and it's hard to keep sitting on that bit of me and keeping it down.

Anyway enough of that. I have English revision to do and my nails to paint and my legs to shave! xD

Ah summer. No more leaving my legs for weeks on end...not that I do, of course.

Ooh and I had my Latin unseen AS retake today and it wasn't that bad. Naturally, that means that I will have got a D or something. But my creative writing skills hardly made an appearance at all! For most of it I actually knew what it was on about!

Yaaaaaaayyyyy!! Summer weather!
...oh no. I've jinxed it now. Tomorrow will be horrible. I got so sunburnt yesterday revising Ancient History in the garden. I have an epic strap mark across the middle of my back from my bikini top.

I had a really scary dream last night, it started with me in a Tube station just getting off a train and it was really crowded but through the crowd I caught sight of the Joker from Batman, but he didn't have that much of his silly make up on, he just looked scary. He kind of gave me an "I'm going to get you" smile and the next thing I knew I was at home in my room and I could hear him coming up the stairs. And then he kidnapped me and put me in a completely dark cupboard or something and said he was going to keep me there until someone found out where I was, and then he'd kill me. I tried to escape by kicking him in the face and running but he caught me and brought me back and said he was going to pull my skin off to punish me and then I woke up. :(

Euch, music revision. I can't learn all these bar numbers! They all just melt into one and I forget whether bar 16 is important in Haydn or Berlioz or any of the others. I think it's Haydn. But I hate having to memorise pointless things like that. And there's nothing about the number 16, or 65, or whatever, that makes you connect it to the piece. You just have to remember that as well :( I'm going to fail! And I don't know anything about Ancient History AT ALL!!

...It's a nice day though. Maybe I'll turn off the computer and go memorise outside. Maybe my legs will go brown. (Probably not.) OH DEAR GOD I'VE GOT MY FIRST EXAM ON WEDNESDAY AND IT'S LATIN AND I CAN'T DO LATIN AAAAHHHHHHH

Revision, you are my life now.

issem, isses, isset, issemus, issetis, issent - pluperfect, subjunctive active. I think.

Also, I ♥ Alex. 

I think - *think* - that I've actually properly lost that half a stone. By which I mean, it's not just while I don't eat and then it goes straight back on. Hopefully by the time summer comes, I might actually be able to wear shorts without people fleeing from me in the streets! :D

Also, I'm going to go and get my hairdresser to put the layers back in my hair like he did before. It looked so nice then, and I wanted him to do it last time but he didn't. Ooh and I got a hair-curling-thing that is worth £40 for £4.20 on Ebay! I was excited all day xD maybe I'm secretly Scottish...I'm such a cheapskate. Hooray, I get to have curly hair without having to sleep with my hair in painful bunches.

I wish it was sunny today. It's bad enough being stuck inside writing about Lolita without it being all cloudy. Stupid weather, I got sunburnt a week ago! It'd better be a nice summer this year, because I WILL be on the beach a lot. My first summer in ages without any work!

I have two packages to wait for from Ebay ^^ it's embarrassing how happy that can make me! A polo shirt and hair curly things. God, when did I turn into such a girly girl??

1. Next to each number, write only the name of the person who fits.
2. Answer one question with one name.
3. Don't tell the questions to anyone who isn't doing the meme

1. James
2. Therese
3. James
4. Bella
5. Therese
6. Dodd
7. Holly
8. Sophie
9. Alex
10. Ibby
11. Louis. And yes, I am allowed to put Alex's dog.
12. Ibby
13. Lucy
14. Bella/Alex
15. David
16. Azzie
17. Ibby
18. Azzie
19. Alistair
20. Ibby
21. I don't know what an S-type is, except that it's a type of Jaguar
22. I also don't know what an M-type is, and neither does Google.
23. Mr Stewart
24. Pippa
25. Noah
26. I have no plans to seduce anyone but Alex...so Alex ^^
27. James
28. Pippa
29. Alex
30. None of you but Pippa will probably ever read this...

My leg hurts a bit. I just used my new epilator and actually it doesn't hurt as much as I thought it would. The turning thing is really scary the first time you turn it on and try and make yourself put it against your leg, but it's not as brutal as it looks or sounds. Despite the fact that it's a rotating barrel holding lots of tiny pairs of tweezers! I'm sure I'll get used to it. My skin went bright pink for a bit though.

The sky is really odd at the moment. It's like a sunset but in black and white or something. The whole sky is just different shades of bluey grey, it looks really ominous. Maybe I've missed the sunset and it's actually getting dark xD

I wish I had time to read the things I want to and write the things I want to. My mum was trying to get me to enter a writing competition, but I don't think I've had enough practice in the last couple of years in anything other than essays. If I had a couple of months when I didn't have to do any work, it'd be no problem. The other night I was trying to force myself to do my English Lit coursework and all I could think about was this really good idea I had for a story. I've forgotten it now, of course, before I could write it down.

I also wish I wasn't so damn lazy. I need to do more exercise and it occured to me that I could go swimming - I already love swimming when I get the chance, and because everyone else can see how fat you are in your bikini it'd be a good incentive to lose weight. The only downside is that I'd have to pay to do it every time, because I'm not taking out a membership for the entirity of the Westgate leisure centre when I'll only be using the pool. And I'd have to get a lift, either all the way there or to the station.
Damn it! I need to stop thinking up excuses!

I had the weirdest guy in my music lesson today. He's apparently thinking of becoming a teacher so he visited the school to see what it was like. Taz and I kept laughing at him though; not only did he smell of chlorine (at least I think it was him) but he had floppy hair and a receding hairline and he wore braces and did our listening paper in a really stupid way. He was one of those people that on first glance seem fairly nice and friendly but then really creep you out with their oddness.

Yay, I did my Latin retake today. It feels weird to be online and not frantically memorising Virgil and Tacitus. The exam wasn't too bad, though the essay for the Tacitus was quite nasty. Hopefully I'll have done better than before, though it's not guaranteed :s
Lol, Alex said he wouldn't love me any more if I get below a B. *sniff*

The fucking EMA people returned my form for the 3rd time!!!!!!!!!!! There's nothing wrong with it!!! I'm so VERY pissed off. They say they need me to provide evidence for my bank account because the company in charge of it changed so many times and essentially they've lost it. Now I'm worried that they won't backdate it because techincally my application wasn't received before November 2008. Arseholes.

Maybe I'll try and get to bed before 1 tonight. It would make a change. I've been up till then every night revising. Alex tells me not to do late night revision but I find I can concentrate more then. Don't know why. Hmm, maybe I'll waste some time playing Pokemon tonight. Instead of preparing for my English coursework, or doing my Music essay. No work for me tonight ^^

It's ages since I posted. Well I went up to London, to do my auditions even though I still had the after-effects of flu, and they were both an utter disaster. I've been turned down by both the Royal College and the Academy, and the College was fair enough because I sounded like I'd never seen a french horn before in my life. I don't think the Academy really took into consideration how ill I'd been though, and it's really fucking annoying that my chance at music college and hence a chance at the music industry was completely screwed just because I got ill. It's so unfair.

In other news, I went to Oxford for interviews as well, still with the annoying cough. I had an exam and 2 interviews. The exam was bloody hard, much harder than A2 standard, so I'm hoping that everyone found it as bastardly as I did. The first interview was a Classics and Philosophy one; they basically just got me to talk about Fate and perceptions of it for a bit. It was interesting rather than scary! The second was at Oriel college (which is really nice by the way, made me think I'd made the wrong decision - I'm now half hoping to be pulled somewhere else!) and was an Ancient History interview with a really nice woman who didn't talk much and a savage old woman who talked a lot. Alas. I don't think I impressed them much but hey ho. She wasn't a very good interviewer really.
I think the letters get sent out today, so I should have been rejected by Tuesday at the latest!

STILL haven't heard back from Trinity though. I'm considering emailing them in January to make sure they've not forgotten me. I know I won't have got in, but the least they could do is tell me so. I just don't want to potentially harm my rather weak case by seeming to hassle.

I HAVE NO MONEY. I don't know what I'm going to do, fortunately the secret santa thing at school meant I didn't have to buy everyone presents, but of course I want to get Alex one. But I literally have about 12p in my purse, £9 in my bank account and my mum is completely impoverished as well. I have to get him a present. Maybe this is how they get people to become prostitutes.

Alex is off to see the Pogues tonight, as are Therese and Matt. My mum's off at the moment seeing my granny/aunty in Horsham and when she gets back she's going straight out again to some work do. So I'm all on my larry tonight. :(

And I just lost the game.

Bleh. I'm really quite ill. I have a temperature, sore throat, bad cough, slight cold and feel alternately boiling hot and freezing. Last night I was standing in the back garden in just my pyjamas at midnight, bearing in mind it's almost December, and I was still too hot.
I think I caught this horrible thing off Alex's mum on Wednesday, even though I didn't see her as she was in bed. Bah.

Oooh but today is Friday so my cheque should have cleared and I can buy Alex the final bit of his birthday present. Yay! My plot to become Best Girlfriend Ever is nearing completion. There's just one bad thing though; as long as he wasn't joking, I'll have to meet his sister at his birthday thing at home. She'll judge me :s

2 of my mum's colleagues are downstairs, they came round for a meeting. So I can't even go downstairs and watch TV >< and I feel self-conscious about coughing too much.

I feel so damn smug. I have Alex's birthday present sorted (just need my cheque to clear in the bank on Friday and I'll be able to order the last part of it hopefully) - AND I know exactly what I'm getting him for Christmas too, which I might also order on Friday for that extra-smug gooey feeling. Now I just can't let him ransack my room :\

My tenor horn teacher spent half an hour having a go at me today. Cunt. I tried to explain to him that what with A-levels, auditions and an Oxford interview to worry about, writing his stupid programme notes that'll get me a useless qualification on an instrument I only play because I have to is NOT my top priority. He did not like this fact.

Ooh yay and the EMA woman at school, whatsername, Mrs Major, said that once they finally get my EMA Notice of Entitlement through she'll backdate it to the beginning of the year! Rich I shall be. Whiskers of cat and knees of bees also.

I'm more excited about Alex's birthday than I was about my own xD God I'm sad.

Ok well last night I got a bit upset when Alex was over - it was fine until after dinner, and it was mainly just that I felt a bit ill and he was teasing me and I wasn't in the mood. But then he replied to something I said and it sounded in all seriousness like he was trying to say he wanted to break up with me. So even though half a minute later we worked out that wasn't what he meant, I was quite upset for the rest of the night. Just cause, when I get upset/emotional it doesn't matter if the cause goes away, I'll still feel awful. He texted me and it all seemed to be fine though.

Today when I was walking into school I saw Alex and Nathan coming towards me so I stopped and waited for them to catch me up. Once they did, Alex just shook my hand and obviously meant it as a joke, so I just ignored it. But then all day until 5th period there were just loads of little things that aren't hugely noticable in themselves but just make me worry. He hardly spoke to me most of the day. I might just be paranoid - in fact it's very likely - but he didn't sit next to me at break, in Ancient History he sat with David (not that he's not allowed to, I had a laugh with Pippa, but he seemed quite defensive about it) at lunch he didn't wait for me to go through the canteen, then didn't sit with me, and then suddenly after ignoring me all lunchtime when Ibby moved after a few minutes he decided to come sit next to me and was all normal. He was fine for the rest of the day, but just now when I was talking to him on msn he suddenly went "I'm being called to watch TV, I'd better go, byeeee" - not an 'x' in sight.

I fully realise I could just be majorly paranoid and overanalysing, and I probably am. He said he was really tired. But just all those tiny things that make me look like a stalker for having noticed, add up. All I know is, if I acted like that, he would be very offended and would try and get out of me what was up. When I asked him if he was ok, he just said "yeah, stop asking." Which was nice.

I don't get it :(

I have a city - well, it's a hamlet at the moment - at http://roiscathair.myminicity.com and every day each IP has one click on that link to add a resident to it. The city is set in Ireland and is called Roiscathair. At the moment it has 4 inhabitants ^^ I'll be adding to that daily.

Ooh and I just bought part of Alex's present today :D

I wants my Alex ><

I can't be arsed with NaBloPoMo. Life keeps jumping up and down to claim my attention.

I 'bunked' off brass band today and left after concert band. We're playing Lord of the Rings in concert band :D but brass band is so bloody depressing and shit I would probably have lost the will to live halfway through and slit my wrists with the sharp edges on my tuning slide.
Or possibly - even worse and more messy - even told Alan that he's a terrible conductor, the band is a pile of shit and that he's not worthy to read off Kevin's music stand. Either way.

I just bought the Twilight series off Amazon. God I spend too much money...but they are good. And I love waiting for parcels to be delivered! ^^

...if this supports this sort of malarkey?



[Edit: Oh, it does. Nice.]

Well, I well and truly failed NaBloPoMo. But the people doing NaNoWriMo are allowed to get behind, therefore so am I.

My audition for Trinity was on Monday. I'm pretty sure I failed miserably, but oh well - while I was there I decided that even though all the students seem really friendly and nice, I don't really want to go there. I didn't like the head of brass's attitude towards any academic study of music - he seemed to dismiss it as worthless to the working musician, which I think is quite an ignorant point of view.
We had the most horrendous journey there you could possibly imagine though. Trains were cancelled from Barnham so we drove to Gatwick, got the Gatwick Express and then all the tubes were also fucked up so we had to get a bus to Westminster to catch a ferry down the river to Greenwich. Unfortunately as it was literally bucketing down with rain (I was just wearing flat open pumps - nice, wet feet!) the bus was delayed by huge amounts of traffic in Victoria Street and we just missed the ferry, so had to take A FUCKING TOUR BUS FULL OF TOURISTS down the Thames which took ages and meant I missed my exam!
*stress*

Anyway, it's over now and I just have to wait to be rejected. I still have the Royal Academy and College ones to go, on the 4th and 5th of December, so it's not all over till the proverbial overweight woman vocalises. Then the Tuesday after I will (hopefully) have to go up to Oxford to sit about and wait to be interviewed. I have to stay there from 12pm on the 9th till 3pm on the 11th, and could be required till the 12th if I have to do more than the usual number of interviews. Yay! I'm surprisingly not nervous about those. Maybe it's because I'm in denial about how scary it'll actually be.

I just found out that the audition pieces for RCM are different to the ones I thought. I'm *ever so slightly* stressed now. It's not that I can't learn the new ones, it's just unsettling. And I only have about 3 weeks.

If I survive the next 2 months without my stress levels reaching dangerous heights, I don't think I'll ever be nervous before a performance again.

I have too much work. I've just got in from orchestra, having had a music lesson too, and Mrs Neame caught me in the corridor after school earlier and informed me that she wanted an essay by tomorrow on imagery in the Tempest. I know I have to keep up with the work and all, but really...my Oxford assessment tasks are a little higher in my list of priorities.

So, the American election. I am really not all that interested. If the American people have any sense, they'll vote for Obama which is what the opinion polls suggest anyway. As we know, there are a great many American people with no sense whatsoever, so they will probably vote for McCain. But I'm hardly on tenterhooks here. Ok, so in terms of world politics the president of the US is a very important man. But as far as I can see, the world is doing quite well just by getting shot of Bush.

Oh yay, I still have to write this essay.

I just got a conditional offer from Reading!!!! As I think I only need either 20 or 40 UCAS tariff points (not quite sure which lol) I think I'm pretty much in. Hooray!!!!

And I just went shopping with Alex and we met James and I bought a new coat and scarf and bra so I'm happy cause I also have new clothes on the way from the innernet :D

I'm scared though because I have my first audition on the 10th of this month and I haven't done enough practice for it. I mean, I'd never have done enough, but I'm actually concerned about this. I hope it'll be ok but I was talking to Alistair and he was saying how for the Academy I'll be up against this guy Hugh from junior Guildhall who I've heard of before who is amazing. Which is just stupid, because I am in no way amazing. I won't be getting into the Academy. Trinity is pushing it, Royal College is very unlikely and the Academy is almost certainly not. Which is cheering...

I should probably do this Larkin essay then.

It's 25 past 11 already! I damn well nearly missed my NaBloPoMo post for today, and it's only the second day!

Alex came over for dinner today - as, alas, did Jane and my granny - but it was ok because we went to the bonfire and fireworks on the field over the road. The fireworks were really good and we met Jeff and her boyfriend Sam, which was amazing because I hardly see them any more. And last time I was quite drunk.

Today's the last day of half term, so it's back to beloved school tomorrow. But there's no way I'm getting to sleep before midnight, so I thought I might as well admit it and stay up. I still haven't done my stupid Larkin essay, and now I think about it I had an Ancient History one too. Bugger. I don't know what's wrong with me. I just can't make myself work. And it's so crucial if I want Oxford to even take me seriously, never mind actually offer me a place. I think I'm just monumentally lazy.

Oh and I've just remembered, I need to do my quota of crunches. I WILL flatten this damned stomach of mine. It's so disgusting at the moment and I know I don't eat THAT many calories a day, so it must just be my laziness again.